tainted

You said it hurt
it pains you to remember.
A broken heart, a tainted mind,
a soul patched with trauma.
I accepted the whole,
but tell me this
why would I surrender everything I dreamed of?
Why would I let go?
Why, oh why, would I ever do that?

I couldn’t let you too close.
I couldn’t let go,
and yet, I couldn’t let you in.
The war inside me was endless
each thought drew blood, tainting everything
And to see you,
bathed in that same crimson,
sickened me.
Still, I fought
fought with all my might,
to baptise my sins

But everything is time prescribed
Even purity.
And I
I was far too stained to remain whole,
You, God, you were purer than Zulfiqar,
sharp enough to cut through mercy itself.
How could I let such holiness be ruined
by my ruin?

Ironic, isn’t it?
The pendulum in me swung
until it became still
paralysing me between your happiness and mine.
But this was never equilibrium;
it was execution.

Why would I kill the sun
with the darkness it never deserved?
You opened your arms to it,
your optimism being your greatest weakness  

your belief in our love

your faith, 

only made the sword pierce deeper
But I saw it forming
the hollow blooming in your chest,
a black hole named me
And I couldn’t bear that blood
not yours,
not the blood of someone
I would move Jannah for,
live for,
bleed for,
die for.

So yes
call me selfish,
call me heartless,
call me cruel.
But understand this:
if it wasn’t you,
it was never going to be anyone.
And if it was you,
I could never let you burn.

–justjokes